Porn Stars From Mars!

Sure, it’s the first day of spring, but I’m more interested in celebrating Extraterrestrial Abductions Day. I’m actually terrified of aliens. I guess my way of dealing with it is to make jokes about it and watch alien pornos. In honor of this frightening and obscure holiday i decided to review Porn Stars From Mars!

Our good pal Essin’ Em reviewed this alien flick a few years back, but it seemed totally worth taking another look at.

Super sexy green ladies with humongous boobs have come to earth in search of superior human cock to satisfy their need for really great sex. This movie is definitely porn-o-riffic, but it just might be easing my fear of alien abduction. If extraterrestrial beings are that hot, I think I might be okay with getting beamed up. If hot alien sex is the worst that can happen, I’m good! Not to mention, their sparkly platform go-go boots are hot! I want a pair. Judge me if you must, but I need them.

This movie is awesome not only because it features hot green alien porn stars, but also because Ron Jeremy plays the president of the Unites States! His acting is superb per usual. Naturally, one of the sexually insatiable alien ladies hits Ron up for some presidential banging. The hedgehog works his magic like only a man of his expertise could. I have to say, the only thing I didn’t like about the sex was that the green paint rubs of their rockin’ alien bodies as they get it on. I totally get that they are probably (hopefully) using some sort of body friendly paint and that is just the nature of the beast. It is just a little strange looking when it comes to the sexin’. Oh and Ron’s wig? No bueno. I love me some Ron Jeremy, but I think even as president he would do just fine with his natural flowing locks.

Is this going to be my go to movie to get off to? Nope, but I’ll definitely go back to it for entertainment purposes.

Inviting direct comparison to Plan 9 From Outer Space and the equally turgid Mars Needs Women, Elizabeth Starr sets off to make the ultimate in space camp, but winds up blowing apart on the launch pad.

What Starr fails to appreciate is that a spoof derives its humor by parodying the results of serious efforts gone fatally awry. Plan Nine, et al, is hilarious because Ed Wood thought he was writing shrewd dialogue and directing his actors with dramatic flair. The fact that they were barely able to simultaneously walk and emote is what engenders the guffaws. Likewise, its shoestring effects - model kits on strings - were the best he could afford.

Porn Stars is just a misbegotten comedy that thinks showing all the seams of ineptitude is funny in itself. Starr is Queen Cone, upper caste leader of alien women. By way of a spaceship (whose interior looks like an aluminum shed filled with air conditioning ducts) they land on Earth, eager to replace their limp Martian men (exemplified by the midget King Kokalott) with studlier specimens. Hijinxs ensue! Well, at least on paper. Even Ron Jeremy struggles to keep his scenes from being eaten alive by the cosmic inertia.

The script mixes weapons-grade bad jokes with clichés more abundant than the over-endowed cast, troweling the whole mess over with - surprise! - gratuitous sex scenes. Even on an erotic level, the feature is maddeningly useless. How could no one foresee that spraying a bunch of huge-titted gals head to toe with lime green greasepaint wouldn't result in an unsightly, sweaty mess under the hot lights? What point is there in a porno where everyone is doing their damndest not to touch each other?

A reluctant three AAAs is awarded strictly on the basis of overall chutzpah.

Review from AVN